They Saw My Decisions, Not My Options - How To Break Free From Judgement
They Saw My Decisions, Not My Options - How To Break Free From Judgement
The True Cost of Judgment: A Stoic's Journey to Mastering Indifference
“People only saw the decisions i made, not the options i had” - Itachi uchiha
We all know what it's like to be judged. A stranger gives you a quick once-over and forms an opinion in seconds, or maybe a colleague jumps to conclusions before hearing your side of the story. That feeling of being misunderstood stings—especially when it feels like people are only seeing part of the picture.
The reality is, people don’t always see the difficult decisions we had to make. They see the outcome but rarely know the tough options we had to choose from.
I used to be quick to make assumptions myself. I thought I could figure out someone's story just by looking at their actions. But I’ve also been on the other side, where people misunderstood me without knowing what I was going through. It’s frustrating—years of stress and worry, feeling like I was always being judged, always misunderstood.
For a long time, those opinions consumed me. I spent so much energy trying to prove myself, trying to change people’s perceptions of me. But then I realized something important: I couldn’t control what others thought of me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't change their minds. What I could control, though, was my reaction.
But then I realized something powerful—no matter how much I wanted to change their perception, I couldn’t. What I could change, though, was my reaction. Once I mastered that, I learned to let go of the need for others’ approval and found peace in focusing on what I could control.
Once I embraced that idea, everything shifted. I stopped focusing on winning approval and started finding peace in controlling what I could: my own actions and mindset.
Perception vs. Reality: A Hard Lesson Learned
The quote "People only saw the decisions I made, not the options I had" resonated with me deeply. It’s a reminder that the way we see the world is often limited. We make judgments based on surface-level observations, unaware of the pressures or struggles someone else is facing.
I remember a time when I judged a friend. It looked like they were making one reckless decision after another—throwing away opportunities, acting impulsively, and heading down a self-destructive path. I was frustrated with them, unable to see why they couldn’t make better choices.
It wasn’t until later, when I learned more about their personal struggles, that I realized I had been completely wrong. The choices that seemed reckless to me were, in fact, the best options they had under the circumstances. My judgment was based on a sliver of information, while the reality was much more complex.
That experience humbled me and made me reflect on how often we all fall into this trap. We see a small part of someone's life and think we understand the whole story, but we don’t. We rarely consider the complicated web of pressures, dilemmas, and constraints others are facing.
Stoicism, the philosophy I’ve come to embrace, teaches that our perceptions are not reality—they’re simply our interpretations. And those interpretations are often incomplete or flat-out wrong. When we judge others, we’re acting on these flawed perceptions, not only misunderstanding them but also creating unnecessary suffering for ourselves. The truth is, we can never fully know what someone else is going through, so we have no place to judge.
The Weight of Judgment: Others’ Opinions and Our Own
Judging others can be harsh, but being judged by others—especially when they don’t know your full story—can be even more painful. I spent years weighed down by the opinions of others. Every look, every whispered comment felt like a criticism, cutting deeper than I wanted to admit.
I’d replay moments in my head, overanalyzing conversations, wondering why people couldn’t understand my situation. Why couldn’t they see that my choices weren’t as simple as they seemed? They only saw the surface, and it hurt.
The frustration built up, gnawing away at my peace of mind. I’d lie awake at night, angry about the unfairness of it all. And the stress wasn’t just emotional—it was physical. I was tense, anxious, always on edge. The judgments felt like a personal attack, and for years, I let them control me.
The constant battle to be understood took its toll. The more I fought, the more I felt trapped by others' opinions. In trying to change their perceptions, I lost sight of myself. I allowed their judgments to dictate my happiness and self-worth.
It’s easy to say, “Don’t let it get to you,” but the reality is far more complicated. When you care about your reputation, your relationships, and how others perceive you, judgment can feel like a personal attack. And for a long time, that’s exactly how I treated it. Every judgment felt like an assault on my character, something that needed to be countered, corrected, or at least understood.
Then I discovered Stoicism. One of its core teachings is that we can’t control external events—only our reactions to them. This was a breakthrough for me. The judgments of others were external events, outside my control. The only thing I could control was my response.
Mastering the Art of Indifference
Transitioning from caring deeply about others' judgments to mastering indifference didn’t happen overnight. It took time and practice. But as I began to internalize the teachings of Stoicism, I found a peace I’d never known before.
One of the most profound Stoic concepts is amor fati—the love of fate. It’s the idea that we should embrace everything that happens to us, good or bad, as part of our journey. When I first heard this, it felt impossible. How could I embrace harsh judgments and unfair criticism? How could I "love" something that caused me so much pain?
But the more I practiced this philosophy, the more I understood it wasn’t about loving the pain itself. It was about accepting my reality and choosing not to let it define me. It was about seeing every judgment as an opportunity to practice resilience and strengthen my inner resolve.
I began practicing indifference—not in a cold or detached way, but in a way that allowed me to maintain peace of mind. Whenever I felt judged, I reminded myself: "This is beyond my control. What I can control is how I choose to respond."
At first, it was hard. My old habits of overthinking didn’t disappear immediately. But over time, I noticed a shift. I stopped feeling the need to explain myself to others. I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. Instead, I focused on living according to my own values.
Here are a few practices that helped me transform frustration into something positive:
Daily Reflection: Each evening, I’d reflect on the judgments I encountered and how I responded. This helped me identify patterns and choose how I wanted to improve.
Mindfulness Meditation: Practicing mindfulness helped me become aware of my emotions in the moment. When I felt myself getting caught up in others’ opinions, I could step back, breathe, and choose a different response.
Focus on Virtue: Instead of obsessing over others' perceptions, I began focusing on living with integrity, kindness, and courage. What mattered most was how I lived—not how others saw me.
Letting Go of the Outcome: I stopped trying to control how others saw me. As long as I was doing my best to live a good life, I accepted that some people would misunderstand me. Their opinions were no longer my responsibility.
Through these practices, I gradually became less reactive to others' judgments. I found that when I stopped giving power to those judgments, they lost their hold on me. I was no longer a prisoner to others' perceptions; I was free to live my life on my own terms.
A New Understanding of Judgment
As I embraced Stoic principles, my view of judgment changed. I realized that most judgments—whether directed at me or from me—stem from a lack of understanding. We judge others because it’s easier than trying to understand their situation. We judge ourselves harshly because we forget we’re doing the best we can.
I also learned that when someone judges us, it’s often a reflection of their own struggles. Criticisms can be a sign of their insecurities and pain. This realization made it easier to feel compassion, rather than anger, towards those who judged me. I began to see judgment not as an attack but as a sign that the other person might be struggling too.
This new perspective didn’t just change how I responded to judgment; it changed how I treated others. I became more empathetic. Instead of jumping to conclusions, I tried to understand where people were coming from. When someone acted in a way I didn’t understand, I reminded myself that I didn’t know their full story. Instead of judging, I tried to offer support—or simply let them be.
Forgiving those who judged me became easier, too. I realized that holding onto resentment only hurt me more. By letting go of the need to be understood or validated by others, I found a new kind of freedom. I no longer needed others to see things from my perspective; I was content with knowing that I was living true to my own values.
The Path to peace
The journey from feeling burdened by judgment to mastering indifference has been life-changing. It’s not that I no longer care about what others think—it’s that I no longer let it control me. I’ve learned that we can’t stop others from judging us, but we can choose how we respond. We can choose to focus on what truly matters, living a life of integrity and peace.
If you’ve ever felt judged, know you’re not alone. But also know that you have the power to rise above it. By embracing Stoic principles, you can find the strength to navigate others’ judgments with grace and resilience. You can learn to respond with patience, compassion, and peace.
So the next time you feel judged—or catch yourself judging someone—pause. Take a deep breath. Remember that what you see is just a fraction of the story. And in that moment, choose to respond with understanding, not frustration.
Because in the end, it’s not what others think of you that defines you. It’s how you live your life, regardless of their opinions. And that’s what truly matters.
Further reading on Perception vs Perspective
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